Conventional

"A few weeks ago, ironically, a friend sent me a link to your blog. I have a good life, been married 12 years, two perfect kids, house almost paid for, no major debts, own our cars, take vacations, golf on Saturdays.
In January I attended a work related conference in (redacted). The second night there I attended a cocktail party thrown by one of the sponsors, a large technical development firm. One of the servers was this ravishing red headed young woman. We kept making eye contact and smiling. When I stood to go to the buffet I almost bumped into her and when I excused myself, she said she had been hoping we might bump into one another all night. This is the place where I say something like one thing led to another, and we ended up in my room. That is exactly what happened.
She is 20 years younger than me, a waitress with nothing going on in her life other than being 20 something, beautiful and uninhibited.
I am writing this from my home town. I don't know what to do. I am not one of those guys who meets women and beds them. I can't tell my wife, she would leave me and take everything in the divorce. I love my kids.
I really can't talk to anyone about this. I am screwed and the sense that I am a terrible person is tearing me apart.
Any help would be appreciated."


I sense your letter is real. Just in case it's not, I am still going to try and help because even if you are just sending random letters to bloggers around the world, there is probably some truth there, if not for you, for someone who is facing the same trials.
First, you really are scummy. Oh, and you really are "one of those guys who goes around bedding women" because, get this, that's what you did.
See, in your mind you see a nice guy, golfing, kids a wife, but in reality, you are a collector. You don't mention what your wife looks like, you already have her, and you other possessions? The kids? You can't be bothered to say anything about them either, they are like your house, your job, the paid for car, you have a lot of things, but you do not have a real connection to anything.
Know why I can say that? People who have love and depth go to conventions, they attend the seminars, the even go to cocktail parties and check out the hotties and thinks of all the nasty things they could do to those 20-something bodies. Then they go back to their rooms, possibly watch porn, probably go to bed and wake up and lead a guilt free life.
The reason you feel shitty? You did something pretty high on the shitty meter.
I really doubt you can repair any of this. The ravishing red head, she seduces men whenever she feels like it, she scored you and would never be interested in an older man such as yourself on any sort of long term basis. You were a conquest in her working life.
Your relationship? You damaged it and if your wife has not noticed yet, she will. You think after 12 years she is unaware how you look when stressed? She will clue in soon enough and then you have a problem. I mean, you already have the real self inflicted problem, but now you have to share it.
First, if you had unprotected sex with the ravishing red head, you need to get tested today.
Second, you really need to seek the help of a professional. The way you speak about your family, this collection of objects, needs to be addressed by someone who does not write a silly blog.
Third, you need to tell you wife. She has every right to know who she is married to. Look she has spent 12 years building a life and making babies with you, she is committed to you. With 12 years of love and commitment, she might be at a stage with an indiscretion is understandable. If this really was your one time doing something like this, then maybe she will go to counseling with you and you two will work this out.
Four and final, figure out what is really important to you and focus on that and open up to the love of that. My guess is you could love your family on a deeper level, you could honor your relationship in reality, not just in your picture postcard pretend life. My guess is that if you step back for collecting stories and painting pretty pictures of the perfect family, you might realize you are kind of cold to being really connected. If your family is your life, you need to learn how to honor that. If not, you need to get a divorce and spend the next few years chasing 20-something hotties who in reality want nothing to do with you.

Your choice.