Bearded clams

So I was sitting in an a very long interview and as I sat there, listening to this brilliant man drone on about patents and investment capital and all sorts of other mundane but money making projects, I kept thinking, what's up with that beard.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I am so far from perfect I can't even see it on a good day. That said, I do not try and grow things to cover up my short comings. Take brilliant economist man, he is brilliant, successful and seemingly happy. So what's with the Abe Lincoln beard? Now, I see these sorts of things of gay men all the time, you know, the whole goatee thing from the 90's? It was the gay men. The sad beard thing that I see now? I believe that too is a gay thing.

Here is my guess. The gay man is a lot more worried about appearances than his straight brothers, although because of the gay influence in fashion and images, what the gay man conjures up, the not so smart straight man picks up on in a year or two. Which is why, if you went to a children's soccer game in the 90s, you saw all these middle aged men with goatees and earings. Straight men, all made up to look like the less than winning applicants for the touring version of YMCA: The Village People Story.

Thus we now have men with slightly less than healthy chins trying to cover them up with these pathetic beards. See, a beard, a manly beard, the type grown by men out in the wilderness who have no time for beard trimming, those beards are manly. These primped and cultured beards, all shaved around the lips and form fit to look like just a shadow or a line around the chin, those beards are just weird. First, my chinless brothers, you are not hiding the fact that you have a weak chin, what you are doing is building a bad looking billboard to grab attention to your less than ample chin. "Hey everyone, first things first, notice my weak chin."

I know men have fragile egos. Try telling one that his love making technique is less than wonderful. Better yet, try explaining that his massive man toy is, well, not massive. Yikes, you may as well tell him his beard is pointing out yet another trouble spot, like the comb over.

I like smart people, I even like people who successfully pretend to be smart, cause that in itself is kind of smart. I like flawed people, the more flaws, the more interesting, until you become a psychotic scary moron, then not so appealing. Bottom line, the comb over, the Abe Lincoln beard, the too small pants barely handing on under your huge gut, these are all signs that you just don't get it. We know about your male pattern baldness, we know you have a weak chin, or have put on some weight. Wearing the same sized pants that you wore in college does not mean you have the same body as you did in college, it means your pants look silly. Same goes for the loss of hair being hidden by a new comb job and especially true of you beard/goatee guys. It is not working, we see it, it is silly. As are you.