Bitching and moaning

Hi,
I met this guy a few months ago, we were at a bar, we were drinking, we hooked up and now we are kind of dating. I am a 20 something woman, he is a 20 something man. Here is the problem, well, there are a few problems. First, he does not seem to know what to do sexually, from kissing to everything. I know, I could train him, but really, at 20 something shouldn't a guy understand basic anatomy? My biggest problem is we were both kind of drunk when we met, and even though it's been a few months, I am kind of slumming with him, if you know what I mean. See, a lot of men find me....

Oh my god. Enough. For the readers of this blog, you owe me, big time. Why? Because I edit this drivel so you don't have to. It is that simple, look I don't ask for money or sympathy, although I would accept money. I'll get back to the letter, but trust me, all the words that are now missing were useless, because just what appears up there is far more than we all need to know where she was going. Here is what I do not get about people who write me relationship letters. What do you expect me to do? If you describe yourself in terms that make you appear slutty and stupid, did you think I would find a way to gloss over that? If you pick someone up at a bar and sleep with them, was I supposed to think that was just peachy?

Look the slumming part of picking someone up ends that night, or the next morning, depending on when the actual walk of shame take places. You can not decide 3 months into anything that you are now slumming. Did I mention I do not really like the idea of slumming in the first place?

Plus, when all the sentences begin or contain "I" we really know what we are dealing with. Now, I am weak, tired, sick and unpleasant, so maybe I am not the right person to answer this email. Instead, let's let my dog Beth answer it. Beth:

Honey you is a bitch. I ain't care how hot you is, you drunk and getting funky with boys you ain't know. What I say is you a whore. Sorry sister, but just cause you got an itch, you ain't need no man to scratch it. You got what I say? Damn, what I ain't understand is why a bitch like you think your shit no stink. I shit outside and even then, it stink. I shit in the snow, guess what sister? It still stink. You get drunk at a bar, do a booty call, pretend you all relationshiped up and now, guess what? It still stink and that stink is you. Yeah, that's what I am sayin, you a stinky whore. I said it and meant it. You ain't all that, and honey, drunk girls picking up drunken boys ain't able to slum, cause you is the slum. Get over yourself. Beth.


Thank you Beth. Finally, because I read what Beth said and I tend to agree, but you also yammered on about his lack of sexual knowledge. Hey Boopsy, can I ask you a question? Where did you learn to be such a champion in the sack? Men and women learn from their giving, loving and honest partners. We get clues, sounds, gyrations and all sorts of other body language advice. Unlike Beth, we also have a vocabulary, although judging from the majority of your letter, yours is about as advanced as Beths, but here's the deal, you want your lover to learn something, teach him. Nothing drives me crazier than people who complain about bad lovers, but have never sat them down and talked about what works and what does not. Or, better yet, show him. That's right, get naked and show him what you want him to do. Imagine that, because if you lead a horse to water, or something, all kinds of cool things happen.

I am done. I was done before I started, but Beth is jealous of my laptop and to appease her, I let her type an answer, you know, bitch to bitch.