Mystery

I was deep into work yesterday when my phone began to buzz. I turn the ringer off when I am deep into work, so it buzzed in my pocket. I looked at the screen at it said number blocked. I was pretty sure that I do not get calls from blocked numbers, but you never know. So I hit answer, but because I was so damn busy, I did not say anything.

A mans voice said hello.

I set the phone down on my desk and went back to work, too busy to discuss politics with the calling man. Too busy to converse with the calling man. Too busy to play games on the phone with the calling man.

And then I hung up on the calling man.

I save numbers, when someone calls me, I assign their number a name, usually the name their parents gave them. When my doctors office calls, it actually says Doctors Office. When my dead friend Dan calls, it would say Dan, but he died a couple of years ago and to this day, no one has called from his number and if it happened at this point, I would be too freaked to answer. I also have images that appear when certain numbers call. One friend who has a fascination with round-about murder plans, when she calls, there is a picture of the worlds most beautiful round-about and I often smile.

I have listed business calls in the same manner. When my local plumber calls, a toilet appears. My dogs picture appears when my cat calls, because that all makes sense, plus the cat has a cell phone, the dog does not.

My favorite images and names are reserved for people who will not be calling. Five wives Fred, the worst straight man in the world, would never call, but if he did, a picture of a car crash shows up on my screen. Five Times is one of those men who will tell women almost anything to get them to sleep with him. We kind of hung out about 20 years ago, we never became friends, but he remains friends of friends and someday he might call, but thanks to modern technology, I would know who it was, if he called from what was his home phone 20 years ago. I might need to update that one.

Evil people have called me in the past. Although the courts have ruled that the Fat Man can no longer harass me, if he ever called, a picture of a slumbering sheep appears on the phone, with the red letters, Fat Man Calling blinking. He won't call, having learned his lesson, right after I learned mine. Of course, the same is true of Sketchy the Addict. I made sure dear sweet psychotic Sketchy got the message, no calls, no contact, but addicts often think that their charm is more powerful than a restraining order, so indeed, Sketchy may call someday, but doubtful.

The love of my life calls sometimes. There is an image that says "I love you" written in crayon that appears. I like those calls. My first girlfriend calls me sometimes too, I stay in touch with healthy ex's, you should too. When she calls, strangely enough, a finger shows up. She is one of the funniest people I know, and she has a saying that is not fit for a blog frequented by innocents and retards, so I will leave it alone, but trust me on this, a finger is appropriate.

I have a large number of phone numbers from artists, because I interact with artists, I make films on artists and I have spent a lot of time visiting artists. When Mark diSuvero calls, one of his sculptures shows up on my phone. Well, that is not true, what shows up is a piece of metal with the name Matt cut into it. While filming diSuvero in his studio a few years who, he was nice enough to make me this present. It is one of the many reasons that I have a soft spot in my heart for him.

So, get the picture? Almost anyone who calls gets a picture of some sort, or verbiage of some sort, a quick reminder of who that person is and how I have interacted with them.

Generally speaking, I never answer my phone.