Snail mail

I have been doing a privately funded study on the neurological reaction to various types of mail. All true. I studied how people responded to a variety of email, from those annoying links to online cards with stupid words being mouthed by stupid drawings. Everyone I interviewed in this project, well over 275 thousand individuals, all hated those cards. Every single one.

I also found that people do like the sound of email. Those with smart phones especially enjoyed it when their phone would vibrate when they received a new email. What the study really found was people like email. Even junk email showed promise, with many of the respondents claiming fortunes from Kenyan businessmen unable to collect life insurance amounting to millions of dollars.

Fully 17 percent of people who filled out the survey said that at one point or another they have created a fake email account just to email their regular account racy letters. Think about that for a minute, 17 percent is almost 25 percent, which means half of all people who responded email themselves sexually charged letters.

The survey found some dramatic news for what has become known in the industry as "snail Mail". Typical response? "Snail mail? Not so much."

Here is what 98 percent of respondents said when asked their reaction to snail mail. "Scary" was the number one answer. One man began to have an anxiety attack on the spot. A woman in South Dakota screamed something about Custer and ran into a nearby bakery for solace. A man in West Virginia threatened to shoot the researcher. It was hectic.

Why do people hate snail mail? This will be the crux of another outrageous government funded study. Until then, I believe Becky K. Slonghammer said it best, when a researcher asked her about her feelings toward snail mail, Becky belted out, "it's always bad news, god damned bad news comes from the mail man."

She might be right.

I am trying to think of the last time I got mail and thought to myself, "hot damn, I should call Becky whatever her last name is." It never happens. We all get bills via snail mail and for many of us, those bills are not pleasant. Junk mail comes via snail mail, not even sure what we are supposed to do with it. Really, nothing good comes from snail mail.

So imagine my day. A person is missing from our office, so I have been volunteering whenever something needs to get somewhere else. I grab it, whatever the package might be, pull on a jacket and beanie and off into the city I go. I like racing, that is walking fast, through the city. It's a beautiful old city with lots of great ancient buildings. The spring air today was cool, the city fairly empty and I raced from one end to the other.

I did some other stuff today, but right now, I can't for the life of me remember what it was.

I got home late and I sat down and had some leftovers my daughter had made and I read the mail. First I opened my laptop and read over the email that is really important and took the time to respond to a couple of letters. So, I am multi-tasking up a storm, eating stir fry chicken (so spicy!) and emailing important people important letters and checking on the status of my Ipad, leaving Alaska and due for delivery tomorrow.

I walked over to the small desk in the entryway and grabbed my lone piece of mail from today's delivery. It was from my doctors office, on my doctors stationary. I opened it, ripping the envelope, not bothering to be gentle, all for no reason, because my doctors office is very good about staying in touch, a snail mail letter is different, but not unheard of.

It was a report. I read it. There is nothing medically in there that was disturbing or unexpected. (edit) Sorry.