A letter from a hetro - boring

Dear Matt,
I have been married for a long time and I am just bored to death. You name it, I am bored with it. Sex? Seriously, I can not remember the last time my wife and I had a passionate embrace, much less something more. Our wonderful house seemed great for a while, now it is a mortgage that houses people I am not fond of. Even food is boring to me. I used to love a great meal, now I take a bite and want to go for a walk, alone. I am not fooling around, I am not even thinking about it, sex with my wife is boring enough, I can't even imagine how I would go about seducing someone new. You have a suggestion?

God, I am going back to answering deceptive and insane gay psychopath letters.

Sex is boring? Food is boring? Life in your chateau is boring? What you left out, what I need to know is, what is not boring for you? When did things become boring? Wait a second before I answer any more of your boring letter, I need the bold button back so I can speak to the blog readers.

Blog readers-this is a perfect example of a letter I did not want to publish. You see my problem, right? I publish letters from severely damaged gays, and I get email or comments about how this has become a gay blog. I beg for letters from straight people about their troubled lives, and do you see what I get? Oh, sure, I got a couple from men who are fooling around, but those letters were almost exactly the same as the gay men who have been writing endlessly about their inability to be monogamous, or honest. So, straight readers, no matter what your relationship status, I am putting out a call for your letters. Tell me everything (I will edit it down to a bite sized morsel) and allow me to help you, while you help me.


Now, back to the boring letter.

Personally, I am convinced we are all boring. Just yesterday I was talking to a close friend and I was going on and on about how I am training for a marathon, how I have lost weight and I have been cycling in the morning and running every afternoon, lifting weights, eating less and healthier and on and on, you get the idea. Then I heard her snoring. That's right, on the phone, as I told her all these important facts, she was sleeping. I am boring. She is boring, and you my letter writing friend, as super boring. Welcome to life as we know it.

Look you could be a giant fat Wal-Mart shopping zombie, would that make you happy? How about a Prozac popping moron, pretending to be happy in your delirium. Or, like so many other people who write to me for advice, you could be a lying scum bag with online personalities and an assortment of psychotic behaviors and untested STD's.

Boring actually sounds a lot healthier.

Look, life is boring sometimes. You have created this life you now find below you. Your wife was probably as boring as she is now on the day you met her. You were too. I doubt your kids are boring, but I will let that slide. Oh, and houses are not boring, the people who live in them are. Bottom line, you made this boring mess, clean it up and make a new one.

My suggestion? Return to some of the things in your younger life that were not boring. Did you ever cycle? Play darts? Gamble until all hours? I have no idea how old your kids are, or how long you have been married, but I trust you do. Have you talked to your boring wife about this? A therapist? A friend? Why not do something fun?

You know what I am doing for fun this weekend? Flying to Phoenix. Why? Because Phoenix is wonderful, and hot and I know someone there who has promised me something amazing. Why don't you fly somewhere for a weekend. Have you ever done that? Get on Orbitz, check the box for flight+car+hotel and type in a city. A couple hours of a flight, and you are set. Take the wife or don't take the wife. Go to a museum, or a golf course or whatever it is that you like to do. Enjoy a weekend doing things in a strange place without your house, wife, kids and boredom. See if that awakens in you some sort of passion. If there is one thing I know about life, when we are doing the things in our life that we are passionate about, it is impossible to be bored.

Whatever you do, do not under any circumstance fly to Phoenix. No, wait, under any circumstance do not create online gay personalities and hook up with strangers, because then you will write me another letter and dammit, I can not help any more people get straight about being gay.