Side effects

Since I was unable to sleep, I thought I should do something productive. First I made some slippers out of the hair from Beth the lesbian wonder dog. Then I cleaned the entire house, but because I am a slob, but in my wake, I was making an even bigger mess than I was able to clean. Finally, I thought, with all this time, why not do some of that research that this blog has fast become famous for.

I am nothing if not a medical experiment, and in that vein, I wanted to help my readers with dealing with side effects found in our daily lives. Now, for me, for a few more days, or until June sometime, I am trying a medication that makes me both happy and pretty. A little Google and I found out some interesting things. Side effects I am either experiencing, should be experiencing or a little pissed off that I am not experiencing are thus:
Alopecia; Not sure what this is and my Google broke somewhere around 3:30AM.
Fatigue; I think this goes without saying, since my afternoon naps under the desk at work are almost predictable.
Nausea; Well, again, goes without saying, since while I am writing this, I am also throwing up.
Vomiting; See the sentence proceeding this.
Anorexia; you mean my new super model figure was not the product of working out, eating right and proper sleep?
Headache; I am pretty sure they have miracle medicines to treat headaches.
Rash; I am never rash.
Constipation; I only wish I suffered from this, because I am pretty sure that I have what doctors refer to as the exact opposite.
With the following important adverse events also reported:
Convulsions; These I have and I kind of enjoy (friends think I am just a good dancer).
Thrombocytopenia; again with the big words, my attitude is, if I can't spell it, say it or use it in a sentence, chances are I do not have it.

Now, once again, I found myself wondering what other side effects might I be experiencing, so I went back to the Google machine and did some research.

Beth the angry lesbian dog;
Hair balls; goes without saying.
Loss of appetite; not her, she is mighty and large and well fed, now if I bother to watch her eat, it makes me kind of sick to my stomach.
Fatigue; Another side effect from watching her "clean herself" if you know what I mean.
Jealousy; See above.
Car chase; not sure why, but since Beth and I became friends, I now enjoy the sublime high that comes from chasing speeding automobiles.

Lucky for you people who sleep, I also did some research into Trader Joe's cookies:
Anorexia; Not an issue.
Swelling; Abdominal swelling can and will occur upon eating.
Loss of appetite; Eating enough of these morsels of goodness will cause you to lose interest in almost all other food products.
Sexual prowess; Eating the morsels of goodness will indeed make you a better lover, at least that is what I am banking on.

Research can be fun, so I Googled the effects of Sketchy the Addict;
Financial; Sketchy has been known to steal, use and borrow large sums of cash.
Social; Expect your friends to lose interest in parties and other social gatherings while dating Sketchy, because people generally do not like Sketchy.
Headaches; Goes without saying, but being around Sketchy can make your head hurt.
Spelling; Inability to spell words like honesty, integrity and monogamy are often found in people who are near, close by or inside of Sketchy.
Truth; Generally the first thing to go when dealing with Sketchy the addict.

The good news, removing Sketchy the addict from your life takes a lot less suffering that say, 84 days of toxic medications.