You're so vain

Matt
I was married almost 6 years and then I wasn't. It started out as a pretty peaceful break up, and my wife and I have remained close enough because we have a child. We made a pact not to speak ill of one another for the sake of the child and for the most part I think we have both followed that.
We have been divorced for over a year now and I just heard from a friend that my ex-wife has sent out invitations for a summer wedding. Of course I was not invited and that only hurts a tiny bit, but what really hurts is that she has so quickly found someone else and is looking at marriage again.
I can not imagine getting married again. I have not met this new guy, the man who will be raising my child with her. Any suggestions on how I can get over this feeling that I was nothing to her and she so quickly moved on because I was a meaningless sperm donor?

In some biological sense that is what we men really are, at our core, sperm donors. We have these relationships and we build families and careers, but mostly we donate sperm to make babies. Get over that part of it. In fact, get over all of it.

You did not say whether you too are dating. So I am going to guess that during the marriage you were there, you donated sperm as often as possible and you worked or something and helped care for this family you and this woman created. Then one of you broke it off, I am going to continue the guessing game by surmising she broke it off with you, which generally leaves the other person reeling.

That has not been my personal experience, but again, I am guessing it is yours because of the tone of victimhood of your letter and how her marriage is so upsetting to you. It was a lot more upsetting to you in your letter, but I edit these things down to a readable format, and all your whining was removed. Well, not whining really, historical fabrication.

See, what the readers of this blog missed was the paragraphs upon paragraphs of how much you connected with your ex-wife, the soul mate paragraph, the committed to one another paragraph and always loving her paragraph, all gone. What is highlighted above is your real letter, a man who is confused and hurt and not too happy that his not so confused and hurt wife has found a new soul mate.

The Frog Woman of the West was once squealed at me, "move on, dammit" or something like that, which was ironic, because I am nothing if not the poster boy for moving on. Just exactly how does one move on? Oh, and how quickly should one move on? Well for married couples, by the time the actual divorce documents are signed, finalized and done with, you should be well on your way to moving on. Now, how you define moving on is tricky.

Generally for me, when a relationship hits that final point where it is over, I was already moving on. When my marriage ended one September evening, I was so ready, so excited, so filled with promise that I was already moving on as my ex was packing a suitcase. The next day, yes, you read that right, the very next day I had what could loosely be referred to as a date. So it was, my moving on was quick and fun.

That does not mean I was filled with regret and guilt for allowing a long term committed marriage to hit the skids, so to speak. It just meant that after a few years of boring life with a person who seemed lost and emotionless, I was ready for real people again. Last year, sometime around the end of summer, I had a conversation with my most recent dating person. The conversation went something like this. Me: I think I need someone in my life on a daily basis, not someone who shows up when it is convenient. Person: OK, you should date other people.

And so it was.

So, letter writer, first things first. Date other people. My sense from you is that you have some dream that your ex-wife will remember the days when you and she were strong and nimble, passionate about one another and committed to making your relationship last until death do you part. She will not remember those days and even if she bothers to sludge through the memories and fondly recall you, there will be no call, there will be no reconciliation and you will be standing in the doorway for ever, flowers in one hand and chocolates in the other, ready to welcome her back into your life.

I have often had that same fantasy, because when we divorce we imagine life on the other side of the fence with fresh mowed green grass and lots of wild sexual adventures and what many people find is not so great gardening and a lonely life filled with alcoholics, addicts, relationship novices and bitter and damaged people moving on from horrendous pasts. A bad marriage sometimes appears a lot better when we have signed the documents and walked away from it. What we often find is that the people available to date have gone through the same trauma that we have, some better than others.

Then again, even while I think lovingly of my ex-wife, I have to say, ending that relationship, as well as the one that ended last summer, was the smart move at the time. Plus, once you realize how short life really is, and how many years wasted with wrong people subtracts from that number, the only regret you will have is not moving on at lightening fast speeds. Example? Ex-wife slams door on the night I threw her out, next day, dating.

Now, letter writer, I know your frustration. I thought my exes all had so many red flags that no one, make that NO ONE, would ever date them, much less seriously consider them as life partners. It did not shock me that either ex would hookup, or date, it was kind of interesting that they both moved on to long term relationships, without skipping a beat or taking the time to analyze what went wrong in the last long term relationship. Maybe that is what you are feeling. How can your ex-wife be getting married when you are in no way capable of such a thing?

Want to know why? Because she wants to. That is how people move on, we put the past behind us, not to be bothered again. Then we date, we charm, we fall in love and we commit. I have not dated anyone I would have married, and that may say more about me than any of the people I have dated. I think I only had that one marriage in me. Maybe you are the same letter writer, maybe your sense of loss is overwhelming because your ex-wife has moved on, she has found a new partner and she wants to be married to him. You sound so caught up in your own loss and how much that has hurt, etc, that you can not allow yourself to pick up your fragile ego and move on.

My suggestion, and I know this is painful, but quit being such a girly man. The reason you "can not imagine getting married again" is because you are in no healthy place to get married again. You have not put your past behind you and you have not started only looking forward. The reason I dated so quickly when my last two relationships ended was because I knew the easiest way to forget about that past was to quickly create a future. You seem to be wallowing in your loss, which is only working for you, and that does not appear to be working well.