sex toys

A letter: "I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year. It kind of happened fast, one day we were talking about what it would be like to maybe get married and the next day he broke up with me via text. So, I had some clothes and hair care products at his apartment and he left me a bag of my things after he texted me. When I went through the bag, I did not find a couple of sex toys that were mine. I have emailed, called and texted, but at this point I get no response. Two questions, how can men just shut down like that and is it worth the battle for a couple of delicious toys?"

Finally, a question I can answer. First things first, no warning on the break up text? Your letter, even edited, made it sound like one day you mention wedding bliss, the next day, the text came. I did not bother emailing back, because in my busy life, who has time for email?

First of all, the easy answer is NO. Any man who texts a break up is not worth it. Second, sex toys are always easier to leave behind, no matter how "delicious". Finally, the next paragraph is for all you people who are breaking up, about to break up, playing the field while married/committed.

If there is one thing I know about the end of any relationship it is this, if you are planning to break up with someone, and you have "stuff" at their apartment/house/prison cell, for the love of god, go get what is yours, because the day you text/call/Skype or just leave evidence behind, that is the day that your stuff becomes weaponry in the war that ends your relationship.

Many years ago I was seeing this wonderful woman in New York City. I knew it was over and I also knew her schedule. See, at the time I had a place upstate, but when I went to see her, I would bring a bag of clothes, or a favorite pot to cook in, or something that, at the time, had some value to me. I also knew her work schedule. So, when I decided it was really way past time to break up, I drove down while she was at work and picked up my stuff. I did not pick up anything that was not mine, but I also knew that if you break up first and then show up to get your stuff, well, those nice dress shirts could be ripped to shreds or the painting you thought was beautiful now has poo on it.

When she got home and saw my stuff was gone I did not even have to make that unfortunate call. She called me and told me in very clear terms what sort of weasel I was. Since that time, I have had the opposite happen to me, that is a lover/partner/friend has stuff at my house, we break up and then they expect me to be some sort of storage facility, keeping their valuables safe until they find the time to pick it up. A few years ago I did just that and when the exchange began, I was yelled at, screamed at, told what a weasel I was and ended up calling the police because this "partner" was also a little unhinged.

So, dear letter writer, the sex toys are his now. As is anything else you may have left behind and thought he would be nice enough to return. See, that's the thing, when the relationship strings are untied, your former partner no longer has the motivation to be nice to you. That may mean he/she just throws you stuff away, or it may mean they send those naked pictures you thought were sexy and fun to email, to all your family members. People in the midst of breakups do strange things.

So, write off the sex toys, there are always more. Write off the boyfriend, there are always more of them too. Look around your apartment, I am sure he left something there. Take those boxers or important financial research materials and recycle them, burn them, throw them away or donate them to charity. This serves a couple of functions, first it gets the memory of the ex out of your life, it also removes any reason the ex has to contact you and it gives you a sense of ending things. If the former boyfriend calls and really needs those financial research documents, or the boxers, or whatever, you can do what I did, email the address of the dump/thrift store and remind him/her that those sex toys once had a home of their own.