In defense of Charlie Sheen

I know drug abusers and drug addicts, and let me tell you this, that is hardly ever pretty.

I got a call from Tiny D yesterday and all he wanted to do was talk about how insane Charlie Sheen is. I was driving to New Orleans, a bus I had rented because I like to take naps when I drive long distance. Tiny D is as imperfect a man that you could imagine, but in this case he was filled with a preachers vitriol. "Sheen is blowing it, getting way too high, losing his job, kids removed by court order, completely whacked out statements, he is so gone..."

The problem with having any sort of history with almost anyone is that we see the warts of our friends, but because we are friends, we never really say anything. When Stoner Calvin had a girlfriend his wife knew nothing about, until the day she did, and then everything went wrong, I never bothered to tell Stoner Calvin that it would have been smart years ago to give up the morning wake and bake routine, because he was often making stoner decisions, rather than well thought out decisions. I remain his friend and to this day, I have not pointed out any of the dumb ass things Stoner Calvin does on an almost daily basis.

I was still awake and driving and Tiny D was winding down, telling me how Sheen had made over 100 million dollars and had probably spent it all on whores and coke. He took a breath and all of a sudden, doing 80 miles an hour down state route 17, I said to Tiny, "I'm not sure that given that much money, fame and celebrity, you yourself Tiny D may have spent the vast majority on those very same vices."

There was a silence. My mind wandered. I have noticed something recently. The people who seem to enjoy sitting in judgement, these self important and learned experts, all chiming in on the self destruction of Charlie Sheen. When the circus comes to town we all forget that those cute elephants get tazered and beaten on a daily basis, cause the circus is in town, no time for a downer.

I have a friend, a friend of Tiny D, let's call him Super Tiny D (STD). This is one of those amazing coincidences. Last summer I lent STD 1000 dollars. He had just landed a job after being unemployed for over 6 months. STD was getting his life together, he was clean and sober and married with a young child. He needed a break and the new job looked to be the answer. The money I lent him was to help him be ready for the new job, a new suit, some shirts, shoes and just the daily stuff you need to look like a professional.

He started on a Monday, he had called me Sunday night filled with joy and nervousness. There was a power in his voice, this was going to be a new start. STD had given up drugs and alcohol about 5 years ago. Before that all his friends apparently knew he was on the road to ruin, but none seemed to think it was their responsibility to nudge him into a program. Then he got married, made a baby and just woke up.

I did not call STD Monday, or Tuesday, I just wanted him to be able to focus on the new job, this new career, this step in the right direction. Wednesday night I called his cell phone. It went to voicemail and I immediately thought that he probably took his wife out to celebrate, after all, it is those first couple of days on a job that are the most anxious, and once you get the office layout, things calm down. Wednesday night dinner with the wife would be joyous. I called his home, his wife answered on the first ring, I said hello or something, and she started crying, "STD has not been back since he left Sunday night."

Binge. I binge, just this morning I had a slice of pear cake for breakfast. There is not a nutritionist in this world who would say that was healthy. We all binge, just on different things. You can not walk through a WalMart without seeing a herd of people who binge on cheap and fat filled food. Go to an Apple Store (Plug, thank you Apple Corp, you will always be my first), in any Apple Store you will see a variety of people binging on technology. It's an expensive addiction.

Speaking on expensive addictions, STD spent that 1000 dollars on coke.

Let's fast forward to last week, my phone rang. It was a number I did not recognize, because when STD went off the deep end, I deleted his information because I thought I should not have to deal with addicts and insanity. I looked at my phone, trying to think if I even knew where the 687 area code is. I answered, it was STD. "I have your 1000 dollars, I want to pay you back."

I stopped for a nap.

Addicts of all sorts, and we are all addicts of one sort or another, often do terribly self destructive things, like borrow money and shoot it up, or promise your family a better future and fuck that up. I have always enjoyed the company of high functioning addicts. A friend of mine, Mindless Becky, is so addicted to shopping, her first husband left her because she was much more fascinated with the sales at Nordstrom than she could ever be in him. I like Mindless Becky, I really do, because her addiction does not really affect me in any way. The same is true of STD and his coke problem. The same is true with Charlie Sheen. First, his addiction is none of my business. I don't know him, I have never seen his TV show, I had no interest in him until his videos started showing up on my internet. Then he called Howard Stern while I was on the road to Cuba.

Let me get this straight. We have before us the public meltdown of yet another over paid Hollywood spoiled child. This is someone who has banked over 100 million dollars, has slept with starlets and whores, who gambles, does drugs and flies to exotic places around the world, on a private jet, to party and have sex with prostitutes and recording artists.

And you ask, am I jealous? Winning.

STD paid me the money he owed me. It was awkward. I had to tell him, nothing personal, but there are addicts whom I love and would welcome into my house, because they, like Mindless Becky, do me no harm. Heck even Stoner Calvin has never really caused me concern. In fact, in a time of need, he has always been there for me, usually late, sometimes high as a kite, but there. I told STD, I have nothing against addicts, I have something against liars. Addicts are cool with me.

He paid and left. I hate when you lend friends money, no matter what it is for and no matter the promises that come with the loan, it will be paid back, within a week or two. Every time I have lent someone any amount of money, it has always come to the point where I have to ask them to pay it back. Almost always they pay and apologize, but more than once, I had to listen to the borrower tell me what I jerk I was, always asking for money. Those people never pay back, and my sense is, they never planned to.

New Orleans is not as pretty as I thought it would be.