Electro-Stalk

YES.
I did edit a very long winded letter. Stop complaining, you should read these things before I edit them.

"A friend sent me a link, and I have read some of the posts from people who write you letters and I kind of need advice and most of my friends would be shocked and sickened and sad if I shared with them.
All the information. I am in a long term monogamous relationship with my lover, who, like me is gay. Part of the problem is that I am not monogamous, an issue I have seen on your blog already. My lover travels for business, a week to 10 days at a time. I know the lecture about monogamy having a pretty specific definition, so please do me a favor and skip it.
Here's my problem. About 6 months ago I hooked up with this hot guy I met at the gym. The first couple of times it was all physical, which for me means that he knows I am unavailable and looking just for a release. Then one night we kissed. My personal rule had been that I do all sorts of things, but I do not kiss. There we were kissing.
We went at it, on and off, for a month or two, when the BF was out of town, the Fun Guy would get my attention. He was aware I was in a relationship, the BF was not and again, please hold the lectures.
So, I finally had to completely break with the Fun Guy because it was getting too intense. It was more than a hookup and I was not interested in that. Then I started to get emails from gay cruising sites, as if I had been applying for an account. Then a couple of fetish magazines showed up at our apartment, I live with my LTR lover. At about that point I knew I was in trouble, some sort of stalking thing. A couple more online sex cruise sites sent me emails, confirming my new account and I emailed the Fun Guy and told him he needed to stop. He did not email back. Then a Facebook account was been opened, using my name, so if you Google me, it shows up, except it is all about what a terrible liar I am, and other not so sweet things about me. I emailed Facebook to complain, have not heard anything for a week and the account remains open. I did go back and check a couple of the gay cruising sites and I found two fake accounts with my face picture and some other pictures attached to both accounts. Both of the accounts had all sorts of things describing me, most not very nice, painting me as a user, a liar and a drug abuser. This past Saturday I was home, the lover was picking up dry cleaning, and the mail was delivered. There was a plain envelope with my lovers name on it, our address, everything normal, no return name or anything. I have been paranoid for a week or so, so I opened it and it was a long letter, from the Fun Guy, describing nights spent with me, in our apartment, in our bed. You get the picture.
So, I am coming to terms with being stalked, my question to you, what should I do? If I do the things people do in cases like this, file a report with police, notify internet sites, etc, my lover will have to know. If I tell him I was unfaithful, I am sure we will be finished. I have to make the Fun Guy stop, but I do not know how, and I would like to do that with the smallest dose of official help possible, to try and save my relationship."

Well, thank you so much for sharing.

First, I do have a lot of advice for you, but I doubt you will read it all, or pay it serious attention, so I will start at what would have been the end, and work my way back.

First, does it not strike you that you dug this ditch and now you are stuck in mud of your own making? What is it with the monogamy thing? How hard is that to understand? What makes you scummy is you have an agreement with your long term lover, he thinks that while he is on the road doing whatever it is he is doing, you are at the home you share, doing whatever it is you do for a living and not hooking up with hot fun guys. That is why you both agreed to the monogamy thing. So, first advice, sit him down and tell him everything.

No wait, first advice is immediately go get yourself an apartment and move all your stuff. Because if you tell him first, chances are you will be tossed, unless you own the house you live in with him. Yes, so my advice, in order of importance, get a new place to live, unless you own the place you live now, and then in that case, break up in a nice way, explain that you are unable to be monogamous and tell him the truth.

Then you both need to get tested. Now, I know, you are going to write back and tell me how this Fun Guy was all safe and everything, but guess what? I know the ways of men and I know you were not safe all the time, because some things I just know. So, other than you being terribly scummy, you have gifted your long term lover with the effects of you being unable to be honest. If you are really lucky you did not pick up any bugs and your lover will move on without the scars of your infidelity. If you did bring him any sort of present, sexually transmitted of course, you can count on the stalker being the least of your worries.

Now, once you have dealt with the new living situation, the break up and the STD testing, then you should deal with the stalker. I want to say I am sorry you find yourself in this position, because I too have had to deal with online predatory behavior and it is never fun. That said, I will circle back to a paragraph or two and remind you, this is something you brought on yourself. Wait, I feel a tangent coming on.

A week or so ago I was driving on the thruway, where the speed limit is 65 MPH, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I was passed by a car doing at least 90. I estimate 90 because I was doing over 70 and he blew right past me. I did not really think twice about it, some people speed, so be it. Then about ten miles down the road, Mr. Speedy Pants was pulled over by a trooper. I smiled because I knew he was getting a well deserved ticket, it made me feel superior. Then a few minutes later I got a flat tire, almost crashed, got off the road, but I have never changed a tire in this car, and I had to call AAA and they took 2 hours to get there. In that time I thought about the speeder getting his just punishment. Then it dawned on me, what had I done to deserve basically the same punishment, hours spent on the side of the road, a charge of at least a hundred dollars and then the expense of new tires, because the other 3 looked worn out. Was I too being punished like the speeder? I do plenty of bad things, so I figured any one of them could be cosmic payback.

Now, letter writer, you lied to the person you probably told was the most important person in your life. You did not just lie about something inconsequential, like how much money you make or that you love your Grandmother, no you lied about monogamy to a gay man, who I am guessing, trusted you not to bring any diseases into his life. Now, do you imagine while on the road for work, he was playing around with hot fun guys? My guess is no, you do not think he was, otherwise you would have proposed some sort of open relationship, since you both enjoy playing the field while the other is busy. No, he made a commitment to you and he lived it.

Now, does being a scummy liar mean you deserve a stalker? Well, I'd like to say yes it does, but in reality, it does not. Internet game playing, accounts created, pictures posted, mean words written and actually mailing your lover a letter, those are not nice things and the stalker needs to be made aware of some consequences.

Now, I don't know where you live, but you may want to prepare yourself for what it's like to be a minority in America, because when you call the police to report the stalker, there is a very good chance the officer will snidely take a report, with little passion and almost no professionalism and nothing will happen. Why? Because really, first, not a lot has happened, you are uncomfortable and some internet silliness has happened. Plus, in the vast majority of America, people still don't always like the gays. What you are hoping for is the police contact your Fun Gay friend and that brings it all to an end.

Of course, you will be out a relationship and living situation. Then again, sometimes people communicate by action, not words, right? I mean, you gave your word on the whole monogamy thing, and then your actions were more, what's the word I am looking for here? Your actions were, well, let's stick with scummy. Bottom line, I do not have advice for you. I know, you did not want the lecture, but you got it anyway, because you wrote me, and I answer any way I want.

You deserve the stalker. You deserve to lose the relationship. You earned the disdain your lover it about to feel for you. You even earned the stalker, because until 6 months ago, he was doing whatever he was doing and you and he hooked up, starting this entire nightmare. Imagine if you had remained true to your word and remained monogamous, no stalker, no end of relationship, no cosmic force outing you as a scummy liar.

Make better decisions and live an honest life. If you can not be monogamous, express that to the next long term lover. If you can be monogamous, which I am betting you can not pull off, then live the monogamous life. You can not have both.